Self pity is a real bitch. In my opinion, it’s a synonym for ungratefulness. That said, I have been imprisoned in it all day. There was a block of time where I came to a false or delusional realization; That being a single father is both the most rewarding and lonely experience I have ever had. This has some truth to it, yes. But the statement in its entirety is fucking warped and twisted. The most lonely experience I have ever had? Hardly. Not even close. Yes, I can’t remember the last time I did anything for me. Took time to go do something fun just for me. I’ve fantasized about it, and the very next thought is “Are you fucking insane, you selfish prick! You OWE it to your son to be there every moment of everyday because your fucked up, dope fiend ass wasn’t for 30 seasons of his life.” So, whether that is wrong or not, I don’t know. I just know that’s what happens.
I believe I do owe him everything. I owe a lot of people everything. But what is everything? Well, it differs depending on the person I owe. Mostly, I just owe people time, and peace of mind, and money. I robbed more family members of those three things than anything else. But sometimes, I feel I owe myself something. For whatever the reason, I can’t seem to pay that debt.
But to say that being a single father is lonely, is often true. I have zero social life. This is not an over dramatization. I can’t remember the last time I hung out with friends. I talk on the phone to them, but that’s it. I was talking to a friend the other day and while having a conversation about this subject, I realized something quite bothersome. I literally never hang out with anyone. I go to an hour long gathering of like minded individuals the same time every week, but maybe talk to people for 10-15 minutes before I have to race home to relieve my mother from baby sitting my son. That is the only time I see people outside of work.
But then I think about what it was like before I got sober. Before I found G-d. Now that was fucking lonely, that was the real deal of loneliness. I was around like minded people, but we were all shooting dope or coke and getting drunk. Then I would find myself wondering why I couldn’t just walk in front of that train I got on to sleep for a few hours because it was freezing out. My hands were often as numb as my heart.
I got to hang out with both of my sons tonight. I got to laugh a little bit too. I was in a foul mood, but did my best to mask it. My youngest son got fed pears, and several times, two handed grabbed my hand and lunged it towards his face, splattering a mixture of rice cereal, formula and pears all over his mouth, nose and chin. And I loved every second of it. My oldest son and I played Xbox together, and I baked him cookies and we sat and compared dunking times in two glasses of milk. He looked at me once, and I could’ve sworn he saw my pain. I had to get up because my eyes started watering. The last thing I want him to see is me when I am not feeling spiritually fit.
And that’s where the loneliness comes from. That’s where the lack of gratitude comes from. That’s where the selfishness comes from…a lack of reliance on Him.
Tomorrow, we will try again.