I am a huge proponent of the idea that just because I remain abstinent from drugs and alcohol does not mean that I am recovered…or really that there’s anything to “celebrate.” It simply means that I have not picked up drugs or alcohol…not that I am a good person. I fly that flag everywhere and anyone that knows me, knows that. Recovery from alcoholism isn’t about putting down the drink. The drink was never the problem. The drink and drugs have always been my solution. Sobriety without Love in my heart has been the problem. A lack of a connection with God has always been the problem. Lack of action in helping others with the goal of getting myself and others closer to God has always been the problem. Using human powers to treat a spiritual condition has always been the problem.
10 years ago today I shot my last bit of heroin, cocaine and took my last sip of booze.
I remember it like it was yesterday.
I was homeless. I hadn’t seen my son in awhile. I was completely broken. I was a brittle shell of a man physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. The only relationships I had consisted of people I could take from.
I was ashamed but hopeless at the same time so I thought I didn’t care about my own life. I had tried to get sober for the 10 years prior to that and could never get it right. I thought I could do some of the things I was shown but not all. I thought I could get away with certain things. I thought I could still be dishonest once in awhile. Eventually my failed attempts at sobriety left me in a very dangerous place.
I was convinced that I didn’t care about anyone except my son and I believed that even he would be better off without me. I didn’t care whether I lived or died. I even welcomed death. I craved it. I attempted to die countless times. I thought I would never be able to maintain sobriety and if I did I certainly wouldn’t be happy about it.
The experience I gained prior to January 2, 2009 was filled with pain and self induced loneliness. Complete darkness, mental illness and hopelessness. I spent a lot of time thinking about a better life but I thought I was doomed to a life of failure forever. I thought I had every excuse in the book to destroy myself. I was doing things and hurting people against my own will. I spent years believing that I would die a homeless drug addict…a criminal…void of any true happiness. And I would do that alone.
At the same time, I watched countless people in recovery enjoy their lives. I watched them get better. I saw with my own eyes that they were happy and sober at the same time and they tried to show me how to obtain that. I was just never convinced that I could achieve it.
I was wrong.
People always tell me that you have to get sober for yourself. You can’t do it for anyone else. For me, that’s just not my experience. I don’t believe that I got sober for myself or anyone else except my eldest child. I didn’t have a reason to outside of him. I lost every part of me that was loving, pure, honest, caring and thoughtful. That said, I do believe with all of my heart that God pulled me an inch closer to Him at the exact moment I needed it in order to catch a quick breath of Hope by using my son at a catalyst. I had a vision of my son at the very moment I was contemplating suicide and it deterred me. It gave me a splinter of Hope to pick up the phone and ask for help. It instantly convinced me that I needed to go “all in” in order to get well.
I am forever grateful to my son, my family, the fellowship I belong to and my sponsor, Steve. Especially my sponsor Steve for his constant support from day one until today. My family never stopped loving me, but they just weren’t able to touch my heart in the way that someone who has recovered from alcoholism could. That’s not due to a lack of effort or a lack of love. Simply a lack of experience.
These past 10 years of sobriety have been filled with ups and downs. I have had to face some very serious, very challenging times. I have had to do that at certain points with only God next to me. I endured difficulty knowing the entire time that God had my back. He was always there.
(Thank you, Tom for that talk in the car. It changed my perspective and life forever.)
Because of that, I have been able to experience true love for the first time in my life. I have everything, literally everything that I ever wanted. I have a supportive loving family. Two beautiful children. The most perfect wife any man could ever wish for. I have a life that money can’t buy. I have peace. I have complete comfort. I haven’t had the desire to drink or use drugs in 10 years. I have a host of friends that will and have put their lives on hold for me and I have a host of friends that I would do the same for. I have been given the gift of confidence that I am suitable to watch after my children, God’s children. I have the ability to be a good employee. A good husband. A good son. I am able to finally be a good younger brother. I am able to carry myself in a manner that is attractive to others to do what I do.
I have the Solution to alcoholism.
I have Love.
I have God.
I am so grateful for the life I have today as a result of blindly taking direction that I didn’t agree with nor believe in and for stopping the thoughts that I knew what was best for me.
An excerpt from page 164:
Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.
May God bless you and keep you-until then.