In the past, when I wasn’t lying, I was exaggerating the truth. It was as if I could only be dishonest; incapable of honesty. Even when there wasn’t a reason to lie I did. I believe this was because I didn’t want people to know who I really was. It was also because I felt like I “had to” lie to get what I felt I needed. I literally wasn’t honest with a single person on this earth. That’s a very lonely place to be.
I started using heavy drugs at a fairly early age. I have shared this before, but I was a full blown heroin addict at 16 years old. Living that lifestyle doesn’t exactly yield a lot of opportunities to tell the truth.
Without honesty, there can never be trust. Ironically, even at my worst I was always seeking truth and craved trusting relationships, both ways. I wanted to trust you (which I didn’t) and I wanted you to trust me (which you didn’t.) By default, this pushed me further away from healthy relationships. This includes relationships with humans and God alike.
I say that to say this, until I was willing to be honest…with you, with me and with God, I was lying to myself about what I needed to do in order to be sober, to be at peace and to give and receive love. It was simply impossible for me to lie and get better at the same time.
If there’s one thing I’ve been consistent with in recovery (this time) is my allegiance to the truth. Ask my wife, she’ll tell you I will not lie. My kids will tell you the same. My close friends will all report the same.
Here’s a personal truth that I live by everyday:
If I don’t go “all in” with my recovery I will return to the drink and the needle eventually. My pain will grow and eventually my sobriety will be secondary to the relief that human powers will provide.
So what does “all in” look like? That’s a long list of things…I’ll try to shorten it.
I cannot be dishonest at anytime for any reason. (telling my son about Santa, protecting him from harmful “above his head” truths, or toxic information excluded)
I do my best to not speak on other people. If you ask me about someone I’m helping, I will not inform you of that person’s business.
I need to be of service to my brothers and sisters as often as I can with as many people as I can. All God’s kids are included in this. All of them.
I need to constantly try to cultivate my relationship with God. I do this through prayer/reading/talking to people about all things spiritual and helping nudge people closer to Him. This has changed from a need to a want over the years. It’s actually an amazing thing for me.
I try to carry myself at all times in a manner consistent with whom I think God wants me to be. (I miss the mark on this almost daily, but I keep trying)
I do not put stock in human powers as a means for satisfaction or happiness. I enjoy nice things, but I do not need them to be happy. Without nice things/relationships/medication/drugs/money, etc... I am just fine.
I no longer use people. Never. I don’t need to use people as God provides me everything I need.
So basically that’s how I’ve stayed happy and sober for over a decade. It sounds pretty easy right?
That’s because it is. It is easy for me and can be just as easy for you. I simply chose to ask God for direction and I did/do what He tells my heart to do.