I’ll never be the same as I was before that night. When I first felt that rush. My vision still isn’t the same. I see things differently now. I view the world in a whole new way. I see hand to hands on the street before anyone I know. I see things in slow motion sometimes. A cop can’t be within a half a mile from me or I’ll smell him. I see opportunities to rob people constantly. I see really quick ways to make fast cash all the time. Occasionally, I’ll even think “I could buy a g pack, flip it 5 times, and be set for a minute. I mean, I’m not gettin high, so I’ll make bank.” It’s a fleeting thought, but it’s there. They’re there…more than I would like. My life is more valuable today, yes. But that wasn’t a big feat. I’m a fucking heroin addict. A coke head. A violent alcoholic. A liar, a loser, a thief, a drug dealer. I sold drugs on and off for a decade without my family knowing. Without ever catching a distribution charge. Sometimes I think I could still pull it off.
I get in these moods where I forget what’s important. I forget the consequences. I allow myself to have a very selective memory. I’ll be thinking about when I shot coke, how I could taste it in my mouth…and how much I would love that taste. How my body would get over taken with the best feeling in the world, a feeling only a junkie would know. I cannot compare it to anything else. I sometimes wish I could have that feeling without the consequences, but I know I can’t. This is very scary for me. I don’t ever want to go back to the way I was.
So, I pray. Lately, I’ve been praying sporadically. I can feel the difference. I am moody, irritated, selfish, self seeking and…angry. If you were to ever get to know me, to really know me, you would know that when I don’t have G-d in my life, I am the most angry person you will ever meet. I am prone to violence, I love it.
Today, meaning the present, not just today, I seem to have more “going on” in my life than I did when I was getting high. It’s one thing after the other. I get presented with an issue, it gets resolved, then I’m presented with another one without a fucking moment to breathe. My children aren’t excluded from this cycle. I fear for the safety of my children when I’m not connected.
I am currently not connected.
I aim to change that, that’s the good news. I refuse to revisit the past in the form of my actions, my thoughts will correct themselves after I take that action toward the Right. Until then, I will battle. That’s a choice. It’s a fucked up choice but it’s a choice. I never professed to be a spiritual giant, I hope I never do.