“We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.”
While that may be true, there are plenty of things I kinda wish I would’ve done differently. I know that I am who I am today because of things in the past though. So, if I didn’t do or say certain things, I may not have learned the lessons I needed to learn in order to see the world in the way I do today. I made some really really bad decisions growing up, most of which resulted in a lot of pain for me and pain for my loved ones. My grandfather was no exception.
There is one thing I wish was different. I wish I would’ve gotten sober before my grandfather passed away. I don’t think I regret that things didn’t play out that way, and I feel like he is proud of who I am today. But I wish he would’ve seen me like I am now. I wish he would’ve seen me raise my kids instead of walking out on 1 of them. I wish he could’ve learned of my accomplishments. My successes. I wish he could’ve seen how hard I fought and how with God, I was able to come out on the other side.
I wish he could’ve known me as a family man. Someone who will fight for honesty and doing the right thing. Someone who works hard to provide a better life for his family. But that never happened with any consistency. I showed up sober before, of course. But he moved on May 18, 2004 and I didn’t get sober for good until January 2nd, 2009. I wish I would’ve been able to sit at the table with him, seeing him through the lens that I see the world with today. I wish I could laugh with him again.
He was silently funny. Abnormally clever, but quiet. What I remember is that he didn’t say much, but when he did say something, it was well thought out and smart. It was often sarcastic, which is how my family seems to be naturally. He was an amazing man.
I have crawled under plenty of houses with him doing plumbing work. I would smoke cigarettes in the truck with him. I watched him grasp my grandmother’s hand every night before bed. I watched him do the dishes after we all ate. I saw him enjoy his life.
But I caused him harm while he was here, and I would love to be able to make that right. The only thing that I can do now is to continue to be the type of man that I think God wants me to be. I feel like my Pop wanted me to be happy, wanted me to provide for my family, wanted me to be a good man.
I feel like I am these things. I feel like I couldn’t be trying any harder most of the time. So now I will just wait with these feelings until I see him again.
And I believe I will see him again. I believe I will have a chance to sit at the table with him and laugh. I believe that I will hear him say how proud of me he was.