I looked at my son for the first time. I cried. Up until that point I had only been responsible for myself. The thing with that is that I was never even responsible for myself. I was never responsible on any level. But this would be different. I would be different. I would step up and be a man. I had put down the heroin months ago. I had put down the oxycontins months ago. I was only drinking at the time, and that was fine. So after he arrived, the nurses brought in his mother some pain pills. I don’t remember exactly how many, but I know I took enough of them to pass out.
So, now my plan was failing. I was hopeless even as a father. We couldn’t even make it out of the fucking hospital before I failed. This was par for the course though, so I didn’t beat myself up too bad. But still, it was very frustrating. I spent my entire life trying to fit in, and at that point I had become a professional. But fatherhood, well…you just can’t fake. You are either all in, or you are failing.
I was failing miserably for years. I did stuff with my son and step son, sure. But the bottom line was, the big picture was, I was only going all in when it came to taking care of myself. How does one go on like that?
How did I manage to trudge through that misery for years without killing myself?
I know why. There’s only one reason why.
I wasn’t permitted to check out yet because I was meant to be here for my son. And now, my sons. I live in a very unconventional situation, but that doesn’t affect my ability to be available. To show up where and when I’m needed. My G-d decided He didn’t need me, but my two boys did.
I finally found a place, a job where I fit in perfectly. Without ever having to pretend. I am a natural parent. It may have taken me longer than most to figure that out, but I figured it out…and I’m certain that my boys couldn’t be more pleased about that. So now my goal is to be better at it. I give it my all most of the time. I mean it is one part of my life that I really hold close. But, like everything else…I could be better. I’m just trying to figure out how to do that.