Reflection of my past is a very active part of my thought process on almost a daily basis. I am calculated with my thoughts and more often than not I utilize my past in order to make current decisions about life. I find it to work out well and I use my past in combination with prayer, referencing scripture, gut feelings and the insight of mentors and friends to figure out life.
Even in my worst moments, I loved my child more than life itself. When I was using drugs and alcohol, I only had 1 child, so for reference, whenever I refer to having 1 child, that was the part of my life prior to getting sober.
I wish I could say that I never did anything risky with Canaan present, because I did. However I never wanted to. When it came to choosing people to watch him, I remember being hyper sensitive. I never wanted someone to look after him that didn’t convince me that they would keep him safe.
But when it came time for me to look after him, I was often drunk, high or in a generally bad place mentally. I hate that about my past. It was something of a focal point when I got sober. It was actually the sole motivating factor for me getting sober in the first place.
I wanted to be a sober, present, loving father to my son. That was it. I didn’t care about anything else. I wanted to protect him. I wanted him to have a better life than me. I wanted him to always feel safe, never abandoned and I wanted him to know that his father was always going to be there to support him.
So far, with the guidance of others and a reliance on God, that goal has been accomplished and you can’t find a single reason to think it will go in the opposite direction.
Fast forward to today.
I have 4 kids, 3 of whom have never seen me take a drink. Never seen me intoxicated or smoked out on herb. Never seen me nod out from opiates. Never heard me talk a mile a minute from using cocaine. Never seen me in a drug fueled fit of rage.
They see me as strong. A protector. A provider. A lover of God. A truth seeker. A good man. A supportive husband. A kind, but fierce when needed, father. They see me exactly the way that God intends me to be.
My daughter Luna has a piece of my heart that I cannot explain. She has softened me, I can assume it’s partially due to her being a girl and partially due to her age, but it is my truth. She is no more impactful in my life than any of my other children though. She is not more important, and she’s not less important. She provides me something different, just like Canaan and Keegan both provide me different things. I am still figuring out what Ocean gives me, but there’s plenty of time for that.
What I noticed recently about my children is that they each offer my spirit certain things, and they each are a cause for different concerns. I also noticed that I have implemented this approach to every relationship I have. My friends provide their own unique set of gifts and concerns. People I try to help do the same. My parents do the same. My wife does the same.
So on any given day, I am navigating how to respond to these gifts, and how to tackle any anxiety created from the fears I have related to my concern for others.
Why is this important? It’s important because I look back at my past all the time, and do not recall this awareness. I was only concerned about myself. I was not prioritizing gratitude for what the people in my life offer, and I was not concerned about what they needed…at least not enough to change my behavior or approach.
So today, I am aware. I am awake and I am caring. I’ve developed an empathy that I do not think was present prior to my recovery.
And that is a gift I am thankful for.