These writings, over the past 10 years, have always been about one thing. That one thing has been explained through my struggles and ultimately the successes over those struggles. I have no issues putting everything out there for you to read in the hope that one of you is helped by my experience. I have outlined in great detail how much of a scumbag I can be, how much pain I have endured, how much hurt and heartache I have caused and how Hope in itself has the capacity to overcome all of that. I don’t really care so much about being vulnerable, as long as it serves a purpose. That said, I also don’t really care so much about who or how many people read this. I know you have or are currently reading it and I know with 100% certainty that you have or are currently experiencing pain. You at least have some area of your current life that can stand to be improved. You wish you could mend that relationship. You yearn to have some more peace in your life. You regret saying those things to that person. You’re wishing that you could stay sober. You are confused how everyone else around you seems to possess the ability to be happy, yet you are constantly in a state of dark depression. Your anxiety consumes you while others around you seem to not have a care in the world. You wish you could’ve said “I love you” one more time before your loved one passed away. You are so remorseful that you let your child slip out of your grip and now they are struggling.
I have experience with all of these woes. I also have a Solution to all of them.
That’s the one thing these writings are about. They’re about God. They’re about God and what God can do for and to someone who seeks Him.
My concept of God has always been changing. Perhaps a more appropriate word to use is “growing.” My concept of God has always been growing. As a result of this growth, my approach to life, relationships, sobriety and these writings have also been growing. I believe that is what God wants to happen. I don’t think God wants me to rest in my beliefs. I think God wants me to be excited about growing closer to Him. I think events in my life have taken place specifically for that reason. I don’t think God has ever punished me, but I do believe God has allowed things to happen to help me learn something; in turn helped me reach out further for His love and protection.
So for the last 22-23 months I have had a shift in my beliefs towards who I think God is. Who I trust He is and what I am willing to accept about God. This growth has been slow and uncertain at times. I have allowed past beliefs to slow my growth. I have been slowly pulled in a specific direction and I know that God is the One doing the pulling. I also know that God knows me better than anyone. He knows that He needed to slowly pull me. He needed to provide me with tangible examples of who He is. He placed very specific people in my path (you know who you are) to assist in my growth. It’s been an amazing experience.
I used to think certain things that have recently been smashed. They are gone. They were chains holding me back from where and who I was designed to be. I used to think that followers of Jesus were sheep. Broken people who bought into a way of life that provided them false comfort. False hope and delusional ideas. I used to look down on Christians. They are just weak. They’re all Kool-Aid drinkers. The church was only there to rob these followers of their money. They are hypocrites. The priests and leaders of the church are a little too close to the alter boys. The list went on and on…
I believe now that these thoughts were just my fears manifested into reasons why I felt righteous about not believing that Jesus was who He said He was. They made it safe for me.
I know that I have a lot to learn about things still and I am excited by that. I’m well read when it comes to religion and spirituality. I have done more seeking in different religious ideas than most, however I have never done so with a true open mind. I always explored religious teachings based on me thinking it would provide me comfort so I sought out what I wanted.
When it comes to Jesus, it was quite the opposite.
He came for me.
And He patiently waited until He knew I was level-headed enough, open-minded enough and generally loving enough. He waited until I was 10 years sober and showed me how He can break every chain holding me back so that I can truly understand what it means to be free.