Month: September 2010

The wind is blowing and the sun is out. The trees seem to sparkle from the reflection of the sun on its leaves. The mail truck stops, and starts again. The neighbor down the street waters his flowers. I inhale and exhale on my front step. My thoughts are consumed with what I’m doing, what I should be doing. I’m trying to stay in the moment. I’m trying to focus on right now. I cannot change the past, what I’ve done or haven’t done. All I can control is what I do right now. Tomorrow is just that, tomorrow. I can do minor things to prepare for tomorrow, but I can’t be in tomorrow until it comes. My son is constantly on my brain…

I want to be a certain kind of man. I don’t feel that I am yet, I just want to be who G-d wants me to be. I spend way too much time trying to figure out who that is I think. When I notice  I’m doing that, doing something that cannot be accomplished…trying to figure out G-d or what He wants, I lose time. So I make two phone calls. I call two guys that can help me redirect my thinking to something productive. I talk briefly with them, and get up. My room gets cleaned, and toys get gathered. And still all I can think about is my son. Am I doing everything I can for him?

I work at a dead end job.

I could be giving him so much more.

I do have faith that will change sooner than later, but for right now…that is reality. I don’t wallow in self pity, but I allow myself to be aware of the situation for exactly what it is. My life right now has room for improvement, and that is exactly what I intend to do. Move my feet toward improving my life for my family. However broken up it is.

If you would’ve caught me just 2 years ago, I would still be thinking. I would still be consumed with thought, as I always have been. I would’ve noticed the need for improvement.

The difference is…it wouldn’t have been approachable. The void of comfort would’ve seemed too large to do anything about. And I would’ve drawn up the water. I would’ve made that potion in that little plastic cap or spoon. I would’ve stalled the inevitable. My son would still be misplaced, and it would’ve filled my eyes with tears. My clothes would still be dirty, and I would just be hopeless and alone.

I like to think that my thoughts are less directed toward my discomfort today, and more towards my son’s comfort. This in itself is a huge improvement. This is how my G-d touches me. I receive enough motivation to move, but not be spoiled. I move in the direction of Him, I move to get closer to Him. In doing this, my son gets provided for. I notice the wind. I appreciate the sun and its tricks on the leaves. The harmony of the earth and its inhabitants. My situation improves.

I have an overwhelming thirst to be a certain kind of man, and for the first time in my life…it has nothing to do with me.

Do you know how many times in my life the world was ending? Well I can tell you it was more than I could count. I was always wrestling with problems. Everything was permanent. If rent was late, it was never gonna get paid, thus my family and I would be permanently homeless. If I crashed my car, I would never get a new one and I would be walking permanently. If she and I got in a fight, and we broke up…I would be permanently alone. I made the choice to walk away from my son, and I was certain I would only be able to visit with him at best, permanently. And that loneliness, the emptiness, desperation, pain, anxiety, and hopelessness associated with that type of thinking would have remained present in my head permanently had I not found a solution. A permanent solution.

There is only One Solution that I have found any permanence in. Only One Option. There is One Force that promises me happiness, peace, love and permanence without ever causing harm to myself and those around me, and that is G-d.

With this new found solution in my heart, directing my thinking and blessing me with whatever I need, I can have a purpose. Along with that comes an understanding that there are really no big deals. The thought that the world is crashing on my shoulders hasn’t been with me since I have let G-d be with me. I have had many hardships, many hurdles to overcome. And I am pleased to report that I did, with His help. I am also pleased to report that I can continue to do so provided that I stay close to Him. Oh, and some more good news, you can too. My son can too. You can have a purpose, just as I do.

My job is not my career, but I am hopeful that if and when I am supposed to go elsewhere, an opportunity will present itself. I am without a partner, but I trust and believe that when I am able to bring something to the table in a relationship, she will be there. I cannot fully provide everything my son needs at the moment, but it’s just that…a moment. And I am in that moment, providing him with everything I can. My car is not the best, I would love another one, but I can’t afford it. I am ok with that, because I have a car. When I am to have another one, I will.

I often fall short of this ideal also. I can create so much turmoil in my life, and do so often. I do cause harm to my brothers and sisters. I just do it less and less as time goes on. I do this, I slip…and I pick myself up, or if I am too crippled to do so, I ask Him to pick me up. And it works.

All things of this world are temporary. Some people even believe death is temporary. I can promise you though, if you can find the love of G-d, and you will if you search, you can hold on to the only beautifully permanent thing out there. Call it peace. Call it centeredness. Call it love. Call it whatever you want, but search for it. Everyday…please.