“Very truly I tell you, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless they are born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, ‘You must be born again.’ The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.”
If you have ever taken the time to read anything I’ve written…or have had any conversations with me about what my life has looked like, you already know about the struggles I subjected myself to prior to getting sober. I always make sure to follow up these stories with what my life has been like since getting sober. I don’t give out one without the other. It’s pointless. I also have always (in sobriety at least) equated my happiness to my reliance on God. In hindsight I can also see that chasing happiness in forms of the flesh, or things of this world has always and will always provide me temporary happiness which is certainly something I’m not interested in. I want the whole kit and caboodle. I want, deserve and am guaranteed permanent happiness for eternity and I’m cashing in.
What you may not know is that since moving in a more intentional direction towards God, specifically towards Jesus…my spirit has changed.
I have been intrigued in a new way about Jesus over the last few years. I kept it quiet more often than I spoke about it. I was honestly embarrassed to discuss it because I was always so outspoken about followers of Jesus being weak, absent of the ability to think for themselves, tricked by the church and so on. But something pulled me to be more open minded and in doing that, I found my truth.
I am coming up on the anniversary of my confession that I accepted Jesus. I sat alone in my Pastor’s office with him and awkwardly said out loud how I felt about Jesus, His resurrection, my desire to be as close to Him as possible… and I began to change. I may not act like it all the time, but I feel more connected to God as a result. I feel like I have such a stronger connection. I feel more free. I notice my blessings more and I am more grateful for them. I pray for others, something I have never done before. I am open about my relationship with Him and I am completely unashamed and undeterred from standing up for what I believe. Even my wife has said I am less likely to execute someone now than when I first met her…so that’s a win, right?
I believe that the Spirit has given new life to my spirit.
New life.
I have a different way of viewing things in a lot of ways and I see things the same in a lot of ways because I was living like a Christian in a lot of ways even before June 2nd, 2009…I just didn’t realize it.
So as I look at my life today, I can see that since recognizing that following Jesus was what I was called to do, I can also see that my life has been unfolding in a way I could never have planned or designed on my own. I cannot tell where my life is going, but I don’t need to. I blindly trust that it is going in the direction that God wants it to and that is quite possibly the most comfortable place I have ever been in my life. That freedom has provided me the ability to be the type of man that I have always yearned to be. Well, at least the ability to strive to be that man. I’m still learning in that area.