There’s a certain feeling I get when my children fall asleep in my arms. It is unmatched by any other feeling. It changes over time the older they get. When they are at their smallest, I feel like the protector. I feel like a necessity. They could not fall asleep without me.
This idea, although comforting, is false. It is not a reality. It is a delusion I allow myself to suffer from at times because it makes me feel important.
The truth is, that they would fall asleep just fine without me…and often have.
When my oldest son was my youngest son’s age, I was a mess. I would be in the house, I would occasionally participate in the duties of a parent, but not even close to what I should’ve.
I can only imagine how many opportunities I missed to hold my son until he fell asleep. How many chances I had to be there to “protect” him. How many times I was “needed”, but didn’t show up. I slept through my fatherly duties. I did the minimum. Although I never loved my son any less than I do today, the majority of the time that I carried him at night, I did so to avoid a fight.
My youngest son will be 15 weeks old tomorrow. He has never seen me drunk. He has never been forced to inhale the Southern Comfort polluted breath that his father is capable of exhaling. He has never tasted beer soaked lips. And he never will.
There are some nay sayers out there in the world that say, “never say never”. I pray for them. I refuse to live that way. My children will never see that side of me. My youngest son never will…and my oldest son never will again. You see, today I have an option. I can either do what I have to do to remain close to G-d…or not. If I choose to turn my back on Him, it is only a matter of time before I turn my back on them. That’s just the way it is. We all have choices, we all have people in our lives we can either hurt or help. Everyone does. It’s just that some of us hurt them all until they are gone. What will you do? Will you lay down and let your selfishness get the best of you? That question isn’t just for alcoholics. It’s for all the parents out there. It’s for all the brothers and sisters. All the neighbors, employees, strangers…everyone. We all have the opportunity to carry someone else. There is always someone who needs help. This is why I can say my children will never have to witness the man that I once was.
I rocked my baby to sleep today and a needle never gave me that kind of relief.