Yesterday I drove through the hood. Traffic was bad on the highway, so I cut through West Baltimore. Ever since I have “woken up”, I see things clearer. Yesterday was no exception. I looked at the run down houses, the abandominiums…I saw the dope boys, they were still out. I saw the metro train run past. The knockers posting up. The dude on the step, shaking as he poured whatever liquor he had hidden in that black plastic bag that every corner store in the city has behind the counter, into his paper Pepsi cup. I saw the relief, the instant relief he felt as he swallowed it down. I saw the hand to hands. The blue lit cameras on the street lights. The desperate for money girls working. I saw it all.
The difference was, yesterday…I didn’t stop. I didn’t find a strategic place to park my car where neither the cops, nor the dope boys would see. I didn’t take that 3 block walk to the alley where the good dope shop was set up. I didn’t have to look over my shoulder. I didn’t have to make sure I had at least enough water in the car to fill a needle with. I didn’t check my money. I didn’t come up with a plan to short the dealer. I didn’t have to mix up anything to feel right.
I already felt it.
That comfort is constant today if I want it to be. Over the past two weeks I have been given far more examples of reasons to be grateful for my life than I needed. I saw a kid, a young kid in shock trauma, who’s head was swelled up to the size of an official NBA regulation basketball who I saw days prior completely fine and smiling. I got to see both my boys in the same place, at the same time, everyday. I got a tax refund that is still in the bank and is not circulating North West Baltimore. I rocked my baby to sleep more times than I can count. I saw a dear friend of mine get locked up as a direct result of his actions. I helped people. I heard a kid tell me his deepest, darkest secrets with confidence simply because he saw G-d in my eyes. I called my mother almost everyday, not because I needed anything, just because. I woke up happy and went to sleep…happy and at peace. I made it to work on time, everyday. I ate good. I paid bills. I laughed and more importantly, made people laugh. I was able to show up as a father. I actually am capable of playing the role of Daddy today. And guess what? There is nothing I’d rather be doing. My little baby is asleep right now, under my care…because G-d is letting me.
A little over 2 years ago, I would be on that corner. I would be tied off. I would be burning my fingers and lips. I would be vomiting. I would be ducking the knockers and the dope boys. I would be welcoming death…anyway I could get it. What changed? How did this transformation happen?
I asked for it. I asked for help. When I was shown a way, I ran with it. I stopped doing things the way I thought was best. I stopped being so selfish. I cleaned up my past. I prayed. I breathed. I tried to help.
That’s all.