This blog/website is almost never used. It’s not read, and it’s rarely written in. I simply don’t have the desire or need (I guess). Yet here we are. I haven’t even opened this page since 2025 sometime, and we’re currently knocking on the door of 2027. My life has drastically changed in so many ways since starting this over 16 years ago. It’s really hard to believe that I’ve actually maintained it at all for that amount of time. This blog was birthed from direction from my sponsor, Steve, who told me to start writing a journal when my 1st wife and I went separate ways and I was left taking care of our 2 boys on my own. I couldn’t get to meetings like I was used to. I also couldn’t help the new person like I was used to. I found a way to do both, just not in the same ways. I often had to drag my kids to meetings or to take guys through the steps. It actually wasn’t uncommon that we’d sit down with a homeless person on a whim.
I only say the above because I am facebook friends with some new folks, and there’s a chance that they read this. I think it’s appropriate to give some context on what’s going on. But with that out of the way, I’m going to talk about the real reason I cracked this bad boy open…
Psalm 34:18, NIV
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
I have found and experienced what that actually means. “That” is referring to the idea of what “brokenhearted” feels like.
You would think that prior to now, I would have understood what brokenhearted felt like, but I did not. I have had countless (not an exaggeration) deaths around me. I have invested my all into relationships, only for them to fail. I have thought a life changing event was guaranteed to happen, only for some tragic to unfold instead.
Brokenhearted should’ve shown itself in there somewhere, but it didn’t. I thought it did, but until now, I didn’t understand what that word actually meant.
“Crushed in spirit” though? Yeah, I have been known that one. I have lived homeless for a year, through the winter and summer. I have been in jail. I have had a revolver placed to my head, right between the eyes. I have woken up after begging God for a change, only to live the same groundhog day over and over. I was, at the very least, partially responsible for the death of one of my best friends. I have prayed that God change my life, but felt ignored. I eventually was ready to end my life because I was fully convinced that God either didn’t care about me, or that there was no God.
So I have been crushed in spirit. That’s really an understatement.
But in all my life, through all the letdowns, all the darkness, all the torment, all the losses, all the pain, ALL the PAIN… I didn’t fully understand what brokenhearted really meant.
Fortunately, I have been spared until now. I think the timing is beautiful actually. I never experienced it before now because I wasn’t ready to. Because I was undoubtably Protected. I think if this feeling would’ve shown up before, I would be dead. No, let me rephrase that. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, if I would’ve felt this earlier in my life, I would not be alive to talk about it.
The difference is, now I have a true relationship with Jesus. I know Him and more importantly, He knows me. We talk. He talks to me, and I talk, cry, scream, yell, plead, beg, thank, praise, and love Him. Do I understand Him? Sometimes. Usually well after the life event that has me questioning. But do I ever lost trust in Him?
Man, I want to type “No” so badly right now. But that would be a lie. The hard truth is that in the past 12 months, I have not been trusting that God is managing everything exactly the way He intended more times than I’m proud to admit. The good news, is that I can trust God without understanding what He’s doing. I think I just needed to be reminded of that.
Proverbs 3:5-6
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding…”
My faith has provided me the ability to regroup in a way that I needed, right when I needed it. And, it sometimes means that I accept that I don’t understand something, but I still trust Him. My God has proven that I will be sustained. My life up to this point is a glaring testimony of that.
Lamentations 3:22-23
“Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed…his mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning.”
“We are not consumed” is so powerful to me. It is also powerful to think about the new day being a new opportunity to be grateful. To serve. To be given the gift of parenthood. To have a job to go to that I love. To have food to provide my children. A new opportunity, every. Single. Day.
So in the past year, I have had sleepless nights. I have cried. I have cried a lot. I have been scared. I have gotten out of character. I have distanced myself. I have asked for help in ways I never thought I would. I have gotten turned down in that ask. I have struggled more than I ever have in my entire life. No part of my life was excluded from that struggle. But I still prayed. I still went to church. I still served. I still praised Him. Because deep down in my heart, I know that God is working, even though I would never choose these circumstances. God knows I love him and I know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him…
There’s a story in the Bible, a story that I keep coming back to. Martha, lost her brother, Lazarus. She was standing there grieving his death. Jesus even knew Lazarus was sick and Mary and Martha sent for Him. They knew that Jesus loved Lazarus and they also knew that Jesus could heal him. I have prayed for healing more than I have ever prayed for anything else in my life, so I can relate to this. And Jesus didn’t come and heal him. In fact, He only showed up after Lazarus had died. What the heck, Jesus?!?! Lazarus was dead for 4 days by the time Jesus pulled up. So, I understand why Martha said “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” John 11:21
I get it , Martha.
I understand that.
She wasn’t talking to some shmuck that didn’t matter. She was talking to Jesus, and she believed in Jesus. She knew that Jesus could’ve healed her brother and He didn’t. She loved Jesus, so she just couldn’t understand why He didn’t change the outcome. I can relate to this so much. I feel like I’m right there in my life. She couldn’t understand and I don’t understand. God could’ve answered her prayers. God could be answering my prayers. I have begged. I mean I have wept, uncontrollably so, face down on the floor of my closet. Not once. Not twice. Not ten times. It’s in the hundreds.
I feel like I am standing in front of that tomb, wondering why that stone is still there. I can’t move the stone, but Jesus can. Why doesn’t He? I don’t necessarily know what’s on the other side of that stone. I don’t know if God is going to restore what I know He can. I don’t know why He hasn’t. Maybe I’m not supposed to know. Martha didn’t know. But Jesus was there and Jesus is here too.
I have hope, more than that I know that Jesus can move that stone. He did it before.
So, I’ll keep praying. I’ll keep trusting Him when I understand and I’ll trust Him when I don’t.
I don’t know how my story ends.
Martha didn’t either when she was standing in front of that stone.
But Jesus did.
And He still does.