Perception is a funny thing. It can change monthly, weekly, daily or by the hour for me. One minute I can’t take anymore and the next is filled with patience. Meaning what is intolerable at one moment can be perfectly acceptable the next. You wronging me can easily change to you doing what you need to do, and really has nothing to do with me.
A few years ago my perception had me believing that I would never be anything more than a drunk. Never be a father. Never be a good son. That you were a problem and if you would just mind your own fucking business…everything would be fine. I don’t need you, any of you. I only need you if I need money or an alibi or the like…but certainly nothing of merit.
My job was to feel better, that is all. Everything else in life could wait until that job was accomplished.
My life was shit. I pretended to be happy. Meanwhile I was smashing the dreams of my wife, destroying any ideas I had about how I would one day parent my kids if I ever had them. And torturing the two kids I had at the time. I’ve discussed this before, but one of those kids is no longer my responsibility to parent. This is not how I wanted things, but my perception is different.
Today I know that everything will be fine. I am able to show up when called on. Today that child that I once was a complete monster to, called his mother to inform us that he has a game tonight. His mother and I are both ill (not “ill” like I once was, legitimately sick). I even cancelled plans with a friend because I didn’t want to leave her sick with the kids. I told him that she or I would find a way to be there. The day went on. I progressively felt worse.
Needless to say, I’m about to gear up and carry my oldest son to his brother’s game. I am able to do this because today I perceive my role as a giver rather than a taker. Today I know that by doing for others I will feel better. I try to do this as often as I can. Sometimes, I fall short of this way of life…and every time that happens, I pay for it. People get hurt.
So right now I’m going to get off here and go get my son ready, kiss my ex wife and go be a father…even if my son isn’t “mine” anymore.