We scrambled from store to store…just trying to find something worth pawning. We went to a major discount department store. We took a cart, a duffel bag and headed to the dvds. I filled that duffel bag with new released dvds. I covered the bag with some shirts I grabbed off the rack and wheeled the cart to the garden center. The car was coming around the side. I threw the bag over and threw myself over the fence. I cut myself badly.
We were a solid hour away from the spot to sell them, frantically pulling off the stickers the whole way. Sweating. Shivering. Choking down vomit and clenching my ass shut to avoid shitting myself. I could pull maybe 4 drags off a cigarette before I had to stop. My vision was blurry as I constantly panned the road looking for cops. The ride was the worst part.
I remember seeing all the families in the store shopping. Spending their hard earned paychecks on gifts for their kids. The last time I saw my kids I screamed at them. I threw up in the bathroom, screamed at them for something minor and left. That was days ago. But these families were happy. They were pointing at this and that. “So and so would love this” or “Dad could really use that”. I couldn’t even begin to think like that. Sure I would love to be able to do that kind of thing, but I’m not able. I’m not built for that life. I’m a junkie…have been since 14 years old.
There is truth to that.
At that time in my life, I wasn’t able. I wasn’t willing. I wasn’t capable of doing anything but serving myself. G-d wasn’t in my line of sight. At all. I mean, why would He be? I couldn’t even breathe. I couldn’t do anything. I was shit. A complete piece of shit. So, I believed that I would always be a junkie. It would never and could never change.
This past weekend I went out with my girlfriend and two other friends. We went to several stores and a shopping mall. I purchased gifts. I laughed. I pointed out things that other people would like… and I bought them. We got coffee and cracked jokes with each other. We had lunch. We listened to music. We made memories. And the sole purpose of being there was to get something for others.
I sometimes just sit and look at my life. Today I was at a traffic light and I was doing what every other American does at traffic lights, I was looking at my phone. I was looking at pictures of my family and just smiling. I’m so blessed. I feel like my life couldn’t get any better, but everyday that passes…every year that passes, I prove myself wrong.
And it was just a matter of trying to not try. I just gave up. I asked for help and did what I was told. I listened and breathed. I can’t imagine living any other way. Actually, for me…any other way isn’t even living.