Dear Canaan,
When I look at you and who you are, it makes me the proudest person on earth. You are resilient at a level you should never have to be. Nobody should ever have to go through what you have gone through. You are strong and an inspiration to me. When I see how much you yearn to be like me, it solidifies my path…and I appreciate that. I know I am doing the right thing now. But it is also a reminder of who I was.
I doubt you remember much from the first seven years of your life. Candidly, I hope that you don’t. I know that you remember the repercussions of my actions during those years. You probably still battle with some of them and that’s ok. You are allowed to struggle. You are allowed to hurt. You are allowed to remember who I was.
While I don’t want you to have to remember the bad parts of your life prior to me getting sober, I hope you remember what I was like. Maybe not the specifics, but that I was different then. I hope that you never forget witnessing what God can and has done.
More than anything I want you to see what God can do. Who God is and how big He is. I want you to see that you have the choice to be happy or not. You have the choice to be free or not. You have the choice to have everything you ever need…or not.
I think without God you can achieve success, you can acquire all the worldly things that the world tells you you need to be happy, to be “adult.” I think without God you can go to college, get a good job, find a wife, have a family and make a ton of money. I think you can buy a nice house and drive a nice car. I think all of these things are available to you without God.
But I promise you that with Him, you will have freedom. You will be happy, truly happy without worldly things. And you will still get to enjoy worldly things when you are ready for them.
Canaan, I love you more than you will ever understand. I tell people all the time that you are the reason I got sober. You are the reason I was open to reliance on God. You are the reason I have spent so many hours sitting down with strangers trying to help them. You are the reason I have driven miles out of my way to go pick people up. You are why I crossed multiple state lines to speak at meetings. You are the motivation to continue when I want to give up. And son, I have wanted to give up. You see, the thing about cultivating and maintaining a relationship with God is that He doesn’t give up. He won’t let me give up. He always shows up when I need him. He is the model Father and He is who I try to be like when parenting you. I know I fall short. I know I’m not the best father, but I try and I will continue to try my best.
I don’t know if you will ever read this, but you are 18 now and I planned for the last ten years to share the link to these blogs when you became of age. I want you to see me at my worst and see me recovered. I never want you to go through the pain I went through. It’s not for you. You are pure. You are kind. Like I was as a child. Like I try to be now.
I want you to know how grateful I am for you. You bring me so much joy. It has happened countless times that I have hung up the phone after talking to you and I can’t stop myself from tearing up. I have had to leave the room that you’re in so you don’t see me cry. The growth you have shown over the past 11 years is breathtaking. I watched you go through really rough patches. Your parents breaking up. Your epilepsy. Our financial struggles. Moving multiple times. Switching schools. Leaving friends behind. Finding your voice. Missing your brother. Going through therapy. I have watched you battle and I have watched you win. You are strength. You just don’t see it yet. You should also know that Kelli has gone to bat for you more than you realize. I thought for certain that I would never find a woman that could love you like you were her own, but I was wrong. If you ever doubt that God is real, look at the love that He has provided us in her and the family that we are growing now.
Son, if you are reading this, know that you are the type of person that this world needs more of. Know that with God you will be unstoppable. Your impact will be huge and your mark in this world will be unforgettable.
Love,
Your Father