Hey, Google…How do I get to salvation?

I have always had a difficult time understanding why things happen. In fact, I relied exclusively on my own understanding of life for the majority of it. Moreover, I took stock in my own understanding as a direct correlation to happiness. Sure, I need other things to be happy, but if I was left unsatisfied, trapped in confusion by a situation or a person’s actions… I dismissed that person or situation…or school of thought, or religion, or world view, or parental advice, or someone’s life experience as meaningless.

“Oh, you’ve gone through this storm that I’m going through? What did you do?”

[person tells me, it doesn’t make sense]

“Yeah, I’m good on that. Bye”

It was like my reliance on myself was in someways a toxin that poisoned my ability to grow. Lessons were learned, yes. But normally at the cost of hurting others, myself or my spirit and my drive to go on.

I see my old self in people all the time now. Young, know it all, tough guys…too “hard” on the outside to expose their vulnerable, inexperienced inside simply out of ego and fear.

If I’m being real, I am still that guy sometimes, but it is usually short lived. I’m not perfect, never claimed to be. I am learning and growing. I am in most ways a sponge, thirsty to grow. But…I have a tendency to lose my cool sometimes because I am still capable of relying on my own understanding. If someone does something that I don’t agree with or understand why they’re doing it, a flip gets switched and I regress. Or, another way to put it is, I swerve off my path.

I do this in my marriage.

I do this in my parenting.

I do this in my friendships.

I do this at my job.

I do this.

But then what? Do I hold firm to my ideas? My understanding? Ideas and a misunderstandings that clearly aren’t serving me well?

No, I go to the Source. I am 41 years old, I just learned this about myself about 10-11 years ago. I spent 3/4ths of my life struggling, entrapping myself in this nonsense. I refused to look at God as a solution to my problems. I refused to look at anything except myself. That’s a really tough way to live. A better way to say it, that’s a really tough way to survive.

But I think part of God’s plan is to allow this type of growth. I think God has a huge smile on His face when I go through a season that may be difficult, not because He takes joy in my heartache but because He knows that it will have me lean harder on Him. I think God absolutely loves it. He is always right around the corner waiting to straighten me out in the most loving way possible.

I have COUNTLESS examples of this. As a result of these examples, my heart has grown so full with God’s love that I feel better than I ever have in my life. I know that I am not the best candidate to manage my life. I try not to on any level. I try to rely exclusively on what God wants me to do and who God wants me to be. The only time I am disturbed is when I take a hard right off that path.

“You don’t agree with what I’m saying? [digs heels in] Well let me explain in furious details why you’re wrong and I’m right.”

Then the pain comes. Then the realization comes. Then the prayer comes. Then the Solution comes.

Over and over and over again. My biggest hope is that the older I grow, the easier it is to remove one of those “overs” from the previous sentence.

I have a successful marriage, because of God.

I am a good parent, because of God.

I am a good friend, because of God.

I am a successful employee, because of God.

Everything good in my life is because of God and I know that will never change.

If I have rubbed you the wrong way, offended you, hurt you, abandoned you, lied to you…just know that I am trying. I am growing.

Also know that God is helping me stay on my path and my shortcomings are part of my growth.

Proverbs 3: 5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; Acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will make your paths straight.