The chosen title for this blog of mine came from what my life was at one point to what I thought was the top of what life could offer me. The truth is that I always wanted to be a good father. I’ve always had a connection with kids. I have always had an admiration for their innocence and ability to love blindly. I always thought that being a father would be my opportunity to truly shape a child into the type of person I always wanted to be but wasn’t able to be. A good, loving person.
Alcoholism was a huge hurdle to get over. The struggle of living with untreated alcoholism is something that can break down the strongest of wills. Walking through life with an absence of God (alcoholism) is a path that deterred me from being a father. It’s that strong. It convinced me that drugs and alcohol were the only thing that could provide me the relief I yearned for.
Today I have God. I love God and try to be the type of person that I think God wants me to be. I have a very very long way to go. I am on my phone way too much. I am distant in relationships. I find comfort in worldly things too much. I lose my temper. I am selfish. I get frustrated easily.
I am human.
The best part about knowing that I am protected by God and trying (keyword) to be the type of man God wants me to be is that my alcoholism stays in check. I can still be a present loving father. I still see the very same things in children as I always have. I remain hopeful that provided I continue to simply try to be a certain type of person I will continue to grow. Grow as a better person and grow as a better father.
Grow deeper in love with life.
My journey in recovery over the last decade has afforded me the sight to constantly see God working in my life. If it does nothing else…I am satisfied.
This week, as I mentioned in my last post, I took my son on an appointment at John’s Hopkins Pediatric Neurology. A place we have gone more times than I would care for. One thing that has always happened when the two of us go is that we bond. We have grown closer every time he had an appointment. It’s like that idea that crisis or bad times have the ability for people to grow closer together. It happens at least for me every time. Canaan sees that I am trying to be the type of man I think God wants me to be. He knows me. He knows who I was before having a relationship with God. He knows who I am since. We have stayed in this together. The 3 of us. Me, Canaan and God. Of course my wife has been amazing but scheduling restrictions usually have just Canaan and I going on these appointments…but we go every time with God.
It appears that we have endured the journey. Those days are over.
I received a call from his neurologist yesterday that he has beaten his epilepsy.
He simply outgrew it. I am comfortable enough to share that I immediately started crying the happiest tears of joy I have shed in a very long time. It moved me. It was a slap in the face that God has us protected. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that one day Canaan will see that I walked with him confidently into every appointment with God in my heart. I believe that one day Canaan will see that even despite very serious uncertainties pertaining to his health, that I knew God would protect him.
I believe that by me, in those moments, walking with God, Canaan will connect the dots and see that I was trying to be the father he deserved. I hope that in my growth I will achieve that goal one day. I hope more than anything that I have and will continue to be an example to him that God’s Love has the ability to overcome any fear, obstacle and any hardship.
I hope that he finds a relationship with God without going through anymore pain first.