Bread Bowls and Broccoli Cheese Soup…

I haven’t always been a deep thinker. I believe I have always over-thought things, or thought more about things than what is normal, but I would never consider myself a deep thinker. I don’t ever recall looking for symbolism in things or seeing a deeper reason for things happening.

There was a point in my life where I looked at having to buy food as an inconvenience. Even food for myself. I would always rather spend my money on coke and dope. Oh, I gotta buy food for other people because they’re counting on me? Complete madness.

I took for granted the blessings of my life. I overlooked things in such a heavy fashion that I missed so many beautiful moments. I looked right passed the most valuable parts of life because I was so consumed with myself.

I want to make something clear here while I’m thinking about it. When I say things like I just did, I’m not beating myself up. I often hear people who are resistant to the 12 step model of recovery that they were turned off by the perceived self deprecation that these approaches promote. That’s not what’s happening here. I’m telling you these bad parts about my previous life to highlight why I am so grateful for my current life. When I say I was a scumbag, it’s because I was a scumbag. It’s not because I was taught to beat myself up in order to feel better later.

In any case, let me get back to my previous thought.

So prior to getting sober, anything that wasn’t about me getting high was a complete chore. Not 100% of the time, but most of the time. Gotta give my kid a bath instead of shooting dope? Chore. But a lot of the times giving my son a bath was the highlight of my day. The only pure example of love I experienced. But basically I didn’t look at it in any other light than I was giving my son a bath.

Yesterday my wife was making broccoli and cheese soup. We discussed when going shopping for the ingredients that we would have bread bowls with them. (that was my brilliant idea, hold your applause) So after work, I stopped at the store to find some. I called the store ahead of time to ask if they had any because the other day when we went shopping they didn’t. So the lady in the bakery department on the phone said they didn’t currently have any so I figured I would just go buy some other bread to eat with the soup.

When I got in the store I walked passed the hot bar and out the side of my eye I saw exactly 4 individually wrapped bread bowls. I grabbed them up and went home.

On my way home, out of nowhere, I started thinking about that. Why? I’m not 100% sure, but what I am sure about is that I invite God into my heart everyday. I know He’s already there, but this is my process so if you don’t like it, kick rocks. So I’m driving and thinking about the fact that even though I was told “No, there aren’t any bread bowls” I still found exactly 4. By the time I pulled into my driveway and realized that the 4 bread bowls available were for the 4 members of my family (including me) it carried over to the thought that any day now my daughter will be born.

I thought “By the time she is old enough to eat soup in a bread bowl, Canaan will more than likely not be in this house.”

It stung. It hurt. It made me feel a little bit empty. In that moment, hundreds of memories flashed through my head. Years of difficult memories and years of beautiful memories flashed through my brain as if I was watching them in a movie. It was powerful.

It also filled me up with joy. My son is almost grown enough to be on his own and that is possible because of the relationship that my wife and I have with God. There’s no other reason for it. If Kelli wasn’t God reliant, there would be no Kelli. If I wasn’t God reliant, there would be no me. That’s not dramatic, that’s very real. Canaan would not be who he is today.

The acknowledgement of that spiritual truth had me stop what I was doing and pray. Ok, ok, I know to the average person that sounds like stupid or something, but lately I have been praying all day…every….single…day. This wasn’t out of the ordinary. I said thank you to my God and I asked him to use me to carry His Spirit into my house and to help me share that Spirit with my family.

So back to the bread bowls. I’m having a daughter, which is one of the most exciting things in my life. My son who escaped through a very rough upbringing is becoming a man…and a good man. I went inside and carved up 3 of the 4 bread bowls (because my wife opted out) and we all sat at the table and ate a simple meal and talked and laughed. We laughed a lot. It was the perfect medicine for a very difficult day up until that point.

So yeah, I may have over thought my purchase, but it changed my perspective right before walking into my house and if that didn’t happen, I may have walked in there with a completely different attitude.

The blessings in my life are not taken for granted. I certainly don’t speak about them all, but I definitely feel them. I take note of them. I don’t forget them. I love them and the Reason behind them. I look at them as gifts. I share them with you in the hope that maybe your perspective shifts just a little bit.

Oh, and one last thing I want to mention. Disclaimer, this is both unrelated to the content of this entry but also very related to the content of this entry.

Today I received an email from Canaan’s school that he made the honor roll this semester. This is the first time in his high school career that he has done that because of several reasons (which I won’t get into) but just know it was big. Very big. A direct result of the Love for God that my wife and I try to carry into our doors everyday.