Everything that I ever needed has been provided to me in one form or the other.
This is a realization that I didn’t always carry. My perspective of what I had, was owed to me or what I needed was always skewed. It has always been that I don’t have the right things, or enough of the right things or your things are better than mine. You don’t deserve what you have and I do.
In my active alcoholism this thought process acted as a very potent fuel to the fire of self destruction that I allowed my self to burn in for years and years. I sacrificed a big part of my formative years because of it. I hurt others because of it. At the risk of beating a dead horse, I hurt my son because of it.
So, to recap…despite what I had, I was unhappy…never satisfied. You may interpret that as a reference to material things. Not at all the case. This was true for any and all aspects of my life. Drugs? Not enough, or not strong enough (even the strongest of drugs). Relationships with women? Not enough, or not as pretty or fun as the next. Parents? Not as understanding. Friends? Not as giving. Bank account? Not enough (overdrawn most of the time). Car? Job? Free time? Peace? My art? Relationship with God? My Freedom? Hope? Future? Past? My ability to parent my kid? All of it, never right. Never enough. Never satisfying.
I went on a spree of taking the easy way out to fix things. Whatever was most comfortable in the moment is what I did. If I hurt the ones that loved me the most in the process, collateral damage. Cost of doing business. I found strength and power in using drugs, despite having the clarity that I was powerless. Doesn’t make sense, I know. The temptation of the possibility that heroin would make me feel better and/or provide me with the relief I needed was too great. I just wanted peace and the consequences of my approach to achieve that peace were secondary.
It wasn’t until I took every and all things for granted and lost them all that I was able to see the world differently.
I started out with the recognition that without God I am weak. I was always too ashamed to admit that. The shame and guilt I carried for years and years blinded me from even having the ability to look at it in the first place.
So I was open in a way I had never been before. I quickly realized things about myself and the world that most people understand a lot earlier in life.
My relationship with God grew stronger and the temptations to go the other way seemed to lessen. They still came and still come now, but less frequently. I seem to have tapped into the ability to think of others first. (most of the time, certainly not always) I have developed an outlook of “Service to Others” and I know in my heart that was given to me and modeled for me by God, specifically by Jesus. I think and believe that I am gifted with the ability during moments of temptation to make a decision of either do what Jesus would do, or succumb to temptation. Be of service to my brothers, or be of service to myself.
In every situation that I have chosen to act as close to what I think God wants me to, I have always been pleased with the result.