It’s amazing how easily I can go from one extreme to the other. It’s equally amazing how difficult it can be to go from one extreme to the other.
I was in the DMV yesterday with a friend. I needed to get a license because I lost mine and the lady who was working there let me look at my last 6 driver’s license pictures. WOW! It was disgusting to say the least. From long hair to short. From messy to manicured. From having a beard to clean cut. From foggy eyes, to bright eyes. I explained to my friend, and the lady behind the counter, that I was actually homeless when one of the pictures was taken, I think I needed a license to either pull off a scam of some sort or get a check cashed or something. The point is, I could see with my own two eyes, the change from hopeless to fatherhood.
When all the pictures were taken, I had a son. But it’s only the last two that I have been showing up as a father, as a daddy, as a friend and a teacher. It has been a long hard road to get to where I am. But the difficulty, and the time it took were a direct result of my actions. Or to put it better, my lack of action.
I spent a solid 40 minutes the other night sitting in my backyard. Alone. It was late and I felt as though I needed some alone time with G-d. I take time everyday to just be alone with Him, and often really devote myself to just breathing and being in the moment. But with the temporary absence of my little boy recently, I have experienced some major discomfort. This discomfort has been here before, it’s not new, and it’s not circumstantial. In fact, the specifics of its birth mean nothing. The emptiness that I feel has nothing to do with what’s going on in the world around me. I’m not uncomfortable because I’m homeless. I’m not uncomfortable because I’m broke. I’m not uncomfortable because she doesn’t love me anymore or because I lost a job, or I got locked up, or because I’m without my child. I’m uncomfortable because of a disconnection from G-d. And when I reconnect, I get centered again. Just like that.
Sure I’m going to be bothered by certain things. A wise man told me once, “If you didn’t feel the way you do, then I’d be worried.” I pass that bit of awareness down the ladder to guys I work with often. It’s simple but puts things in perspective.
But today, when I am feeling down (which means I am just thinking about myself or that some sort of fear has moved into the number 1 position) I don’t have to go out and shoot dope and I don’t have to hurt myself or anyone else. I can just remind myself that G-d is with me through all of this, and He is the shot caller. Not me, and not you. Only Him. And I can sit quietly and breathe. I can go see where I can be helpful. I can pray. This works for me, someone who has a disconnection from G-d. I can just reconnect. I can be patient and trust that He knows what He’s doing, and that He always has. And within a matter of minutes, I can go from one extreme to the other. I can go from disconnected to connected. I can go from my own worst enemy, to a loving father.