Not too long ago, it was not uncommon to be in my presence and hear things like: “This is fuckin bullshit! That bitch can’t do that shit and get away with it!” or “You know what? I don’t give a fuck! How bout that?”
I spent a huge part of my life trying to be something I didn’t want to be, but rather what I thought I should be depending on the situation I was in. If I was around someone that I was trying to impress, I would act a certain way. If I was around someone I was trying to scare, I would act a different way. If I was around someone that I was trying to get money from, I would act an even different way. I was always so busy acting, I lost sight of who I really was. As a matter of fact, it got so bad, for so many years, that eventually…I had no idea who I actually was.
Let’s keep in mind I have a child whom is almost nine, and I have only truly found myself in the last year and a half give or take a few months.
So, when it was time to go home, I had to turn off the tough guy image, the “Look mother fucker, I’m so desperate for some dope, I’ll cut your bitch ass” image……..and be a father.
This was not an easy task however, I will say that when I was trying to be a daddy, that was when I felt the most genuine. Or when I was kissing my ex wife, or she was holding me, that was the closest I could get to being me. To being comfortable. But never, and I’m not proud to say this, but never was I completely able to be me. The real me. Something would happen and one of the multiple characters I had grown so accustom to playing, would surface. This usually happened at the most inopportune times. I really had no control over it. If you, including my son and step son, did something, even the smallest thing that I didn’t agree with, you were at risk. I would beat you one way or the other, verbally, physically, emotionally…whatever I needed to do.
After that, after I made you feel like a piece of shit, I felt like a piece of shit. I would never admit that, no. I would justify my actions for days usually. But since I felt so horrible, I got high. And then I got high again.
So who am I? I am someone who tries his best to be a good person. I try to be who G-d would have me be. I very rarely lose my temper today, and it would take an awful lot for me to put my hands on you. If I do something that causes you harm, I try to make it right. I don’t need to act a certain way either. I am a certain way. I’m not a tough guy, I’m not a womanizer, I’m not a psychopath or desperate. I am a child of G-d.
This realization is comforting. I am not who everybody wants me to be either. In some people’s eyes, mainly those who have eyes that saw me at my worst, eyes that saw the monster I once was, eyes that shed tear after tear due to my actions, I am still that man. This is the way life goes. Just because I got better, just because I live a certain way, a principled lifestyle…doesn’t mean that those whom I hurt are required to accept that. I am ok with that today, because I can not control people. That is one role I will never attempt to act out. Because that duty, belongs to G-d.