If I claim to be perfect with my actions, I can promise it is not my intention. If I claim with my words that I am better than you, again, not my intention. I know how absolutely imperfect I am. I know how much improvement I need to make. I also know that I am reliant on my God to change in me the defects of character that do not align with who He wants me to be.
I am almost 12 years sober. I am a few months away. That does not mean that I am void of fear. That fear is what drives me to be imperfect. When I lash out, I am fearful. When I am not giving, selfish, dismissive, unsympathetic, rude or resentful…I am scared.
When my life gets boiled down, what’s left in the pot of fear is a disconnect from God. Alcoholism is a funny thing like that. I can be almost 12 years removed from a drink or a needle of heroin but I am still susceptible to see the world in the same way I did 12 years ago if I do not stay close to God.
This is one of a million examples I have experienced which tells me that my alcoholism or drug addiction had little to do with the drink or drugs and almost everything to do with my relationship with God.
I have recently been doing some silent self reflection on this. I have behaved in such a way that I am not proud of, specifically with how I am reacting to how others act. I have been laser focused on performing well at work so that I can provide a better life for my family. I have knowingly sacrificed many things in order to not fail professionally. I will continue to do that but I have noticed in my personal life that I have been more judgmental and short. I have been impatient and dismissive. I can see these things in hindsight and I pray to have them changed.
These defects are not who God wants me to be and in turn, not who I want to be.
Today I am aware of this and have prayed to have these things changed. I know that my prayers are less likely to change the world around me and the people in it and more likely to change my perspective and approach to the world, so it is my job to act on that. I am actually grateful for this awareness, and I know that it is within my reach to improve…which is hopeful.
What happens when I choose to turn away from God is, I end up alone. I end up drunk and high, sick and beaten…and very very much alone.
Over the passed 3 weeks, I have noticed something at home. I don’t recall pointing it out to my family once, but I do recall being mindful of it and seeing the connection between it and God several times.
I have noticed that my family, all of my family has been gathering in the same room. It doesn’t matter the room, we just all end up in it. This doesn’t happen all the time, but it has happened enough for me to notice.
The day goes by as normal. We argue, we may fight but we also laugh, joke, eat and relax together. We are a normal family I suppose. But then all the sudden, after we fight or disagree… I find all of us sitting on the floor together in my bedroom. Or we are all in the spare room playing and laughing. One time, I sat there and it was as if life had the pause button pressed and I could see how absolutely beautiful my life is as we all were collected in the bathroom together as my daughter was taking a bath.
I don’t know why I didn’t point this out, but I can voice now, that for me, it was very powerful.
I am hopeful that I can constantly change and improve to be more like God wants me to be so I never lose that.
Your insight and reflections, appears to me to be your heart reaching out to God. I do believe that anger stems from fear and we all have fear of some sort at various moments. It’s when we replace fear with LOVE, then the miracles appear. The beauty of that is in the stillness, you noticed what love on all levels looks and feels life. You turned your life over, you became more grateful and honest . I am so proud to witness your journey, so grateful for your transformation and so full of love for you. Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart.