In writing this blog I realized something. For every memory I’m making with my son today, I probably have 50 bad ones I’ve made in years prior. There was a point in my life where this realization would be depressing. However, it was not. It was actually motivating. To me, going back to the way I lived before isn’t an option. Some people would say that it’s bad to think that way. Some would say that it’s dangerous. I respectfully disagree. Don’t get it twisted, I’m not saying “I got this.” I’m simply saying provided that I continue to do what I’m doing and hopefully more, G-d does. G-d’s got this. So the reason for my motivating discovery is this: There is going to be a point when the numbers of good memories I’m currently making are going to surpass the number of bad memories I’ve made provided that I rely on Him. HA! How do you like that?
I spent countless hours in doctor’s offices before getting sober. I did this for a number of reasons. One, and the obviously most important, was to re-up on meds. I could not function without them. I was on the kind of medication that if I ran out, suffering in bed wasn’t an option. The option was to manipulate my very kind, loving female doctor into writing me another script. If that didn’t work, the option was to cop some from the many people I had met who got the same or a similar script to sell me some. It’s weird like that, when I’m doing dirt…I meet dirty doing people. When I’m living by spiritual principles, (or at least trying my best to) there are 2 kinds of people I meet. People with whom I have the experience to help, and those who have the experience to help me. Both of which are vital to my self preservation. The third option, was to go in the hood and cop the much cheaper alternative. You may be puzzled as to why this wasn’t the first option. It’s because I viewed me taking Oxy Contins as acceptable because I have a legitimate back problem, and whether I was taking the amount I was supposed to, or the method that they were designed, or even if I was obtaining them in a legal fashion was irrelevant. I had a tendency of lying and telling so many half truths that I believed my own lies. Today, I take no medication at all.
I used my son as an alibi to get more pills. I would fabricate tears, I could do this because my back hurt so bad and my heart as well. I was the shell of a man, completely broken down. I hated you and myself. So I would cry to my doctor “Yeah but you don’t understand. You have kids, could you imagine if your son fell down and was screaming crying and a hug and a kiss would heal his ailments and you couldn’t bend over to pick him up? Well, that happened the other day.” She was scribbling a script moments later. This didn’t last forever though. Eventually I was going to several doctors, getting better and better at manipulation.
My son caught some bad poison ivy on his neck the other day on one of our many walks through the woods. It is so peaceful walking with him outside. We both have very active imaginations and we utilize them for hours outside. Anyway, he got some poison ivy on his neck which quickly spread to his little nose, big lips and around his eyes. We went to the doctor today after the ointment I tried yesterday didn’t work. So, I was able to be there to help him. I was creating another memory that is good. We got the script, and went to Walmart to fill it. We had to wait, the lady said “It’s gonna be about 45 minutes. Is that ok?” My very extensive experience with pharmacies told me that just like the time quoted from the drug dealer, I was to add about 20 minutes to that. Even with that, I responded “Ok, that’s fine. We’ll find something to get into.”
So my son and I walked around, playing games, I took some pictures of him, we drank some soda, and before I knew it, it was time. We picked up the script and headed home. When I told him that the syrup that he was about to take was steroids, he responded very playfully “Oh daddy, I’m gonna paint myself green and Hulk out.”
That memory is one I won’t let go. That feeling I got when he said that, that smile I had, his little giggle, all of it is so important to me. This is why I can can comfortably say “going back to the way I lived before isn’t an option.”