There are plenty of different kinds of people in this world. I mean, no two people are exactly the same. And whether you can relate to someone or not, feel someone’s pain or not, even if you have experienced on some level the same thing as someone else, your perceptions may have been different of that event.
I have not only damaged myself through my actions, but I have polluted the lives of my family, friends, and my son. It’s true that my family “went through” what I “went through” on some level, because they love and care about me and just wanted the best for me. But even they will never know what it was like. The emptiness, the suicidal thoughts, the frantic internal struggle for some sort of peace, the constant feeling of being lost….the hopelessness. My son suffered because of my actions, and he too saw so much that he never should’ve seen, forming his own opinions about me, alcoholism and parenting based off of what I did. The only thing I can do now is try to show up, sober and centered for him and everyone else that I hurt.
So, although it feels good to “be good”, I haven’t really been at it too terribly long. I still miss the mark as they say on a daily basis. Maybe not to the extreme that I did before, but it still happens. I try though. I learn from my mistakes, and do my best to prevent the same mistakes from occurring when I can.
Recently, the biggest example of my poor decision making has come to light in the form of financial problems. I am basically being taken care of right now for the most part. My bills are very minimal. This is good because my income is just as minimal. I don’t go out and buy myself anything really, but I haven’t been saving the money that I do make either. You won’t catch me with new shoes on, but I buy myself an energy drink and cigarettes and my son candy and drinks every time we stop at the gas station. I buy him toys and tee shirts, and I really struggle with telling him no.
One of the hardest things I have to do today is tell him no. When he asks me for something, my brain starts replaying all the times I spent money on some brown or grey powder that should’ve been spent on him. All the times I pulled up to the pawn shop, sitting in my car sweating, trying to talk myself out of going in….and failing. All the sick and twisted lies I told him about where this or that was run through my head and I have to say yes.
I could be more frugal with my money that’s for sure, but I don’t see me trying to buy his affection. That’s not the case, in fact, he would much rather go for a walk or play with toys than go to the movies. But occasionally the guilt of my past shows up, and I spend money I don’t have.
I’m about to take him with me on a mini vacation, nothing extravagant, just a little get-a-way. I envision us watching the sunrise on the beach, playing in the ocean, laughing and just having a good time. And I also see me having to tell him the same thing I used to tell him when I was drinking and getting high, “No, I can’t afford that. Maybe another time.”
“Another Time” is what he always heard, and I’m sick of saying it. And I’m not scared that either one of us will go without anything that we need, that fear has been far removed. It’s just that sometimes, I want “Another Time” to be right now.