From my very first attempt at writing on this blog, I’ve always tried to make a point to be positive. I am vulnerable and candid. I have tried to detail my struggles and self imposed hardships. I highlighted what God has provided me, the freedom, the happiness….the gifts and the blessings. I have been graphic at times and I have been soft to the point of potential embarrassment. I have without a doubt, “put myself out there.”
Some of you have read what I’ve written and verbalized how it touched you. Some of you have read what I’ve written and intentionally kept your comments to yourself. You have shared it with others and some of you pretended like you have never clicked on the link that brings you here in the first place.
All of it is ok. Your love, hate, jealousy, disgust, pity, admiration, hope, gossip, character assassination…all of it is ok with me.
I write this blog for me. This has always been for me to one day look back on and recap my journey. I am very glad I started this writing almost 10 years ago. If it helps you, that is beautiful and I am grateful.
This evening I felt touched by God. I was overwhelmed with His Spirit. It happened in a way I would never have guessed.
My wife went to a birthday party and I was home with the dogs and the children. I was going to paint the nursery for our daughter coming in a couple months. This week has been abnormally difficult, at points…it was unbearably stressful. I won’t detail why, but for me to feel like I did this week, just trust shit was pretty wild in my life.
So anyway, I was in the soon to be nursery prepping walls. I was fixing nail holes, sanding, cutting in, putting drop cloth over our new carpet, wiping down the ceiling and walls, all the things you do to paint.
I was thinking about my life.
I took a quick break and read a message on facebook about a friend that needed help and I did my best to help him. I’m not saying that for the “look at me, I’m super helpful” piece. I am saying it because I almost immediately changed my perspective by doing it. I was no longer thinking about myself or my struggles.
Once I did what I could for this man, I went back to painting. I was listening to music and singing. The sun just started to go down and I was looking out the window at the kids playing up and down the street. I continued rolling on the paint.
The way the bright, orange light streamed into the room and hit the wall I was painting made me smile.
In that moment, I felt completely consumed by the awareness that God is protecting me. That my struggles aren’t that big. That my focus is on others. That everything I do is for something bigger than me. I looked hard at the color I was using and thought about my daughter on the way. It actually made my eyes tear up.
A daughter.
I will be responsible for a little girl.
It was crazy and beautiful at the same time. It felt amazing. To think that God sees me fit to look after another one of His kids was soul warming…and a little girl at that.
“I painted a pink wall for you, daughter. I will raise you in this room and I will encourage you to be the most amazing girl you can be. I will read to you. I will sing to you. I will paint pictures with you and I will play with dolls with you. I will laugh with you and I will dress you up in all the things you like. I will brush your hair. I will protect you like God protects me. I will never leave you. I will be as tough as I need to be and I will be as soft as this shade of pink. I will always love you.”