I looked at my son for the first time. I cried. Up until that point I had only been responsible for myself. The thing with that is that I was never even responsible for myself. I was never responsible on any level. But this would be different. I would be different. I would step up and be a man. I had put down the heroin months ago. I had put down the oxycontins months ago. I was only drinking at the time, and that was fine. So after he arrived, the nurses brought in his mother some pain pills. I don\u2019t remember exactly how many, but I know I took enough of them to pass out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So, now my plan was failing. I was hopeless even as a father. We couldn\u2019t even make it out of the fucking hospital before I failed. This was par for the course though, so I didn\u2019t beat myself up too bad. But still, it was very frustrating. I spent my entire life trying to fit in, and at that point I had become a professional. But fatherhood, well\u2026you just can\u2019t fake. You are either all in, or you are failing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was failing miserably for years. I did stuff with my son and step son, sure. But the bottom line was, the big picture was, I was only going all in when it came to taking care of myself. How does one go on like that?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
How did I manage to trudge through that misery for years without killing myself?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I know why. There\u2019s only one reason why.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I wasn\u2019t permitted to check out yet because I was meant to be here for my son. And now, my sons. I live in a very unconventional situation, but that doesn\u2019t affect my ability to be available. To show up where and when I\u2019m needed. My G-d decided He didn\u2019t need me, but my two boys did.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I finally found a place, a job where I fit in perfectly. Without ever having to pretend. I am a natural parent. It may have taken me longer than most to figure that out, but I figured it out\u2026and I\u2019m certain that my boys couldn\u2019t be more pleased about that. So now my goal is to be better at it. I give it my all most of the time. I mean it is one part of my life that I really hold close. But, like everything else\u2026I could be better. I\u2019m just trying to figure out how to do that.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I looked at my son for the first time. I cried. Up until that point I had only been responsible for myself. The thing with that is that I was never even responsible for myself. I was never responsible on any level. But this would be different. I would be different. I would step up … <\/p>\n