If you want the truth, I willingly walked away from my family more than once. I didn\u2019t always do it for selfish reasons, but mostly that was the motivator. I was either too \u201cbusy\u201d for them, didn\u2019t want to deal with them\u2026or too caught up in getting wasted that I just couldn\u2019t focus on anything besides myself and the next drink or drug. On top of all that selfishness that I let run my life for right around 20 years, I also walked around harboring resentments. These resentments stemmed from either real events, made up events or events that happened but I perceived them as being way worse than they actually were. Some of these resentments didn\u2019t even involve me, I just involved myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So the reasoning behind me walking away from my family was always different. A few times I did it for noble reasons. I know that sounds like hypocrisy, but for someone who once had a severe reliance on things of this world, which caused me to become very sick\u2026I assure you I absolutely had to isolate myself from everything for a period of time and just focus on G-d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I had a good amount of time to reflect on this over the past couple of days. I recently have made an effort to be available to all of my family on whatever level I can. With some family members, I am obviously closer; My children, my mother, My father\u2019s brother, etc\u2026 These people live close to me and I see them all the time. With other family members it\u2019s a bit more difficult. My father lives just out of arms reach, my Uncle lives on the other side of the country, my cousin lives in a neighboring state, my brother\u2026well, he\u2019s still my brother. But we all have our own lives. We are all busy. But are we too busy? Am I too busy? I often tell myself I am, but is that true?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I am pretty much living life to the best of my ability today, I parent my children, I have a good job, I call my parents to see how they\u2019re doing, I try my best to help people\u2026 I do all these things. But what really has prevented me from reaching out further? I think I\u2019m too busy. Or am I just still thinking of myself? I can\u2019t remember specifically the last time I visited my grandma. I only remember certain events. I remember eating her cooking and laughing with her about her accent. I remember the time that I finally grew tall enough that she had to look up to me (this wasn\u2019t very difficult). I remember going to her house for xmas and thanksgiving. I remember the bedroom that she had set up for us kids when we spent the night. I remember the day she told me what my spanish name was. I remember exactly the way she put her arms out to me when she saw me\u2026and how she smiled\u2026and how she would always say \u201cAwe Teemy, Ju look so hahn some\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She was always kind to me. I can\u2019t remember a time that she wasn\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She was someone I walked away from. I separated myself from her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Today I helped carry her to her gravesite.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ll never have the opportunity to be a good grandson to her again. I did love her, but I\u2019m not convinced I showed it very well. I\u2019m not beating myself up about this. I\u2019m simply acknowledging a fault of mine. This is a good thing. If I can slowly point out things about myself that I don\u2019t like, things that G-d doesn\u2019t want me to be, I can change them. I can align my actions with the type of person He wants me to be a little better. I\u2019m ok with that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m living in the house that she lived in for over 20 years. I love this house. It is full of memories. I plan on making more here. I can only hope that they are full of joy and happiness. I can only hope that I can make my family feel as loved as she did.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
If you want the truth, I willingly walked away from my family more than once. I didn\u2019t always do it for selfish reasons, but mostly that was the motivator. I was either too \u201cbusy\u201d for them, didn\u2019t want to deal with them\u2026or too caught up in getting wasted that I just couldn\u2019t focus on anything … <\/p>\n