Have you ever worked out in the heat? Worked hard in the heat? Like, dug a ditch or carried lumber or something equivalent in July? Have you ever played a summer sport? Have you ever had sex in the backseat in August? Have you ever had to make weight for a sport and worn a trash bag on you over top of 2 hooded sweatshirts and ran for 2 hours?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I have.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And with things like that come an overwhelming thirst afterwards. I mean, a thirst where I feel like I could fall out or die if I don\u2019t get something to drink. And finally, when I get my hands on something, anything, cold to drink and it hits my mouth, there is some kind of crazy \u201ceverything is going to be fine\u201d feeling that comes immediately.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Imagine walking around with that thirst daily. 24 hours a day. 7 days a week.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s there with you. It\u2019s there when it\u2019s cold. It\u2019s there when it\u2019s hot. It\u2019s there at work, it\u2019s there at dinner with your family, it\u2019s there at funerals and it\u2019s there at weddings. It\u2019s there when things are perfect and it\u2019s there when you think the world would be better off without you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That\u2019s what it felt like. The word \u201cobsession\u201d doesn\u2019t do it justice. The word \u201caddiction\u201d doesn\u2019t even begin to spark the true feeling that comes along with it. It\u2019s constant desperation and constant move making. It\u2019s living and breathing for it. The thirst is unquenchable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was able to calm it down with a drink. I could forget about it for a moment with a few bong hits or crushing a pill and snorting it. I could escape it for a few hours with a needle full of heroin followed by multiple needles full of cocaine. But before I knew it, it returned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Every fucking day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I blew up my relationships for it. I shot out my credit. I failed and left jobs to chase it. I did things, terrible hurtful things\u2026 all to quench that thirst. I became someone I never wanted nor thought I could be. Someone that my family and friends often didn\u2019t recognize. I would cut you. I would hospitalize you. I would leave you desperate. I wouldn\u2019t explain anything to you. I would rob and steal from you, lie to you and then lie again. I would cheat on you. I would frame you. You mean nothing. You\u2019re fucking nothing to me. You don\u2019t know what the fuck it\u2019s like. You think this is easy? You think I want this? Fuck you. In fact, this is your fault. This is ALL your fault.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The above paragraph is who I was, and you can believe me or not, but my heart started beating harder and faster as I wrote it and just re-read it. It\u2019s been years since I was that person but it wouldn\u2019t take years to become him again. It\u2019s not fear that caused my heart to beat faster, it\u2019s awareness of what I\u2019m capable of if I go back. It\u2019s awareness of who my sons could grow up to be if I am not around.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I couldn\u2019t count how many times I laughed with them over the past few days. I spent a single dollar bill on them today. I bought Canaan a lemon with one of those candy cane sticks in it from a street vendor at a small Baltimore festival. That\u2019s it. They mean absolutely everything to me. And if you know me, or you\u2019ve seen me with them, you know that\u2019s true. You know I\u2019m not just saying these things. My actions align clearly with my words. I don\u2019t allow excuses of why I can\u2019t do this for them or why I can\u2019t do that for them, no. I excuse myself from doing other things so I can be present for them. And I will admit, it\u2019s not always what I want to do. Imagine that. Sometimes, I\u2019d like to be able to cut my grass without getting a baby sitter. Sometimes I\u2019d like to be able to get a hair cut. Sometimes I\u2019d like to sleep in or hang out with friends. Sometimes I\u2019d like to be able to do art during hours when the sun is shining. Sometimes I\u2019d like to spend the night out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But more important than all of that, is being there for them. I won\u2019t allow myself to be that person I described above and it starts with something completely unrelated to drinking or doing drugs. That transformation, that regression might be fast or it might take some time, but it will come.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Today I know that only One Thing has and can prevent me from going back and He hasn\u2019t failed me in the 4.5 years I\u2019ve been chasing him. And even though that chase isn\u2019t exactly the same as it was before, I\u2019m still running.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Have you ever worked out in the heat? Worked hard in the heat? Like, dug a ditch or carried lumber or something equivalent in July? Have you ever played a summer sport? Have you ever had sex in the backseat in August? Have you ever had to make weight for a sport and worn a … <\/p>\n