There was a very large portion of my life that was seemingly godless. Not because God wasn’t there, but because I was too proud and stubborn to look in His direction. I “knew” the truth, lol. God has always been surrounding me, protecting me and loving me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was just unaware.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I am guilty of many things. I was violent. I was distant. I was manipulative. I lied, I stole, I cheated. I punished, I abused, I used. I was many things that I am not proud of when I walked a godless life, I imagine you were as well if you’re like me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I thought, “Why should I believe in God while my life is like this?” What kind of God allows someone to have this level of harm caused to his kids? Meanwhile, I am causing harm to my kid. I thought, what kind of God permits disappointment after disappointment, while I am doing the same to my family. What kind of Father abandons his child, while I walked away from mine?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I woke up one morning in a dark room. It smelled like a mold infested basement. It was disgusting. There were strangers in the room, people I’ve never seen before hovering over me. Within 30 seconds I had to run to the bathroom to vomit. I was sweating, frail, wearing dirty clothes and couldn’t stand on my feet to finish throwing up. I remember collapsing to my knees, emptying out my digestive system. I laid my head on the toilet out of complete exhaustion. It was as if my body had given up fighting. I was probably 25 pounds under weight, hadn’t slept correctly in 6 months. There was evil all throughout my body. I had injected poison in my veins daily, my spirit was polluted, my mind on autopilot…as to not be distracted with the world. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
When I exited the bathroom, there were 2 “members” from a “gang” questioning me. I disregarded them and returned to bed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
This was day 1 in rehab.<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n I don’t recall anything from the next week or so, probably better that way. I do recall inviting God into my life to heal me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Here’s something I find worthwhile while reliving my past and looking at my life over the past 13 years or so:<\/p>\n\n\n\n I didn’t get happy and then sought out God, I am happy because I found Him. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Let’s run that back for those who weren’t paying attention…<\/p>\n\n\n\n I didn’t get happy and THEN sought out God, I am happy because I found Him. <\/p>\n\n\n\n It’s very often that on my commute to and from daycare with Luna, she requests songs. Outside of songs from the Frozen soundtrack, she asks for worship songs. Her favorite being “Lion” by Elevation Worship. While the song is playing, she is laughing and smiling. She is singing. She’s doing this while music about Jesus is playing. It is a very beautiful thing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Let’s jump back to day 1 in rehab and look at how I slept\/didn’t sleep. Let’s look at my bathroom trips. Let’s look at my surroundings. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Now, let me share with you what happens at night time these days. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I read 2-3 books to my daughter. While demanding, she is excited. She needs things her way, which I normally respect within reason. When we’re done, we pray. <\/p>\n\n\n\n We thank God for all the people in our lives, naming a good bit of them. Admittedly, I steer the prayer and then we say “Amen” at the end. Then we lay together until she falls asleep. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Not too ling ago, after a very tough couple of days, I heard her whispering prayers. What I heard was her thanking God for her Daddy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n “Thank you, God for my Daddy. Amen.” I’m not too macho to admit I was wiping away tears from that. <\/p>\n\n\n\n My life today if filled with these moments. I believe God does this intentionally and deliberately when I need it most, and I am grateful for that. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" There was a very large portion of my life that was seemingly godless. Not because God wasn’t there, but because I was too proud and stubborn to look in His direction. I “knew” the truth, lol. God has always been surrounding me, protecting me and loving me. I was just unaware. I am guilty of … <\/p>\n