The wind is blowing and the sun is out. The trees seem to sparkle from the reflection of the sun on its leaves. The mail truck stops, and starts again. The neighbor down the street waters his flowers. I inhale and exhale on my front step. My thoughts are consumed with what I\u2019m doing, what I should be doing. I\u2019m trying to stay in the moment. I\u2019m trying to focus on right now. I cannot change the past, what I\u2019ve done or haven\u2019t done. All I can control is what I do right now. Tomorrow is just that, tomorrow. I can do minor things to prepare for tomorrow, but I can\u2019t be in tomorrow until it comes. My son is constantly on my brain\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I want to be a certain kind of man. I don\u2019t feel that I am yet, I just want to be who G-d wants me to be. I spend way too much time trying to figure out who that is I think. When I notice I\u2019m doing that, doing something that cannot be accomplished\u2026trying to figure out G-d or what He wants, I lose time. So I make two phone calls. I call two guys that can help me redirect my thinking to something productive. I talk briefly with them, and get up. My room gets cleaned, and toys get gathered. And still all I can think about is my son. Am I doing everything I can for him?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I work at a dead end job.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I could be giving him so much more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I do have faith that will change sooner than later, but for right now\u2026that is reality. I don\u2019t wallow in self pity, but I allow myself to be aware of the situation for exactly what it is. My life right now has room for improvement, and that is exactly what I intend to do. Move my feet toward improving my life for my family. However broken up it is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If you would\u2019ve caught me just 2 years ago, I would still be thinking. I would still be consumed with thought, as I always have been. I would\u2019ve noticed the need for improvement.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The difference is\u2026it wouldn\u2019t have been approachable. The void of comfort would\u2019ve seemed too large to do anything about. And I would\u2019ve drawn up the water. I would\u2019ve made that potion in that little plastic cap or spoon. I would\u2019ve stalled the inevitable. My son would still be misplaced, and it would\u2019ve filled my eyes with tears. My clothes would still be dirty, and I would just be hopeless and alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I like to think that my thoughts are less directed toward my discomfort today, and more towards my son\u2019s comfort. This in itself is a huge improvement. This is how my G-d touches me. I receive enough motivation to move, but not be spoiled. I move in the direction of Him, I move to get closer to Him. In doing this, my son gets provided for. I notice the wind. I appreciate the sun and its tricks on the leaves. The harmony of the earth and its inhabitants. My situation improves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I have an overwhelming thirst to be a certain kind of man, and for the first time in my life\u2026it has nothing to do with me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The wind is blowing and the sun is out. The trees seem to sparkle from the reflection of the sun on its leaves. The mail truck stops, and starts again. The neighbor down the street waters his flowers. I inhale and exhale on my front step. My thoughts are consumed with what I\u2019m doing, what … <\/p>\n