I\u2019ll never be the same as I was before that night. When I first felt that rush. My vision still isn\u2019t the same. I see things differently now. I view the world in a whole new way. I see hand to hands on the street before anyone I know. I see things in slow motion sometimes. A cop can\u2019t be within a half a mile from me or I\u2019ll smell him. I see opportunities to rob people constantly. I see really quick ways to make fast cash all the time. Occasionally, I\u2019ll even think \u201cI could buy a g pack, flip it 5 times, and be set for a minute. I mean, I\u2019m not gettin high, so I\u2019ll make bank.\u201d It\u2019s a fleeting thought, but it\u2019s there. They\u2019re there\u2026more than I would like. My life is more valuable today, yes. But that wasn\u2019t a big feat. I\u2019m a fucking heroin addict. A coke head. A violent alcoholic. A liar, a loser, a thief, a drug dealer. I sold drugs on and off for a decade without my family knowing. Without ever catching a distribution charge. Sometimes I think I could still pull it off.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I get in these moods where I forget what\u2019s important. I forget the consequences. I allow myself to have a very selective memory. I\u2019ll be thinking about when I shot coke, how I could taste it in my mouth\u2026and how much I would love that taste. How my body would get over taken with the best feeling in the world, a feeling only a junkie would know. I cannot compare it to anything else. I sometimes wish I could have that feeling without the consequences, but I know I can\u2019t. This is very scary for me. I don\u2019t ever want to go back to the way I was.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So, I pray. Lately, I\u2019ve been praying sporadically. I can feel the difference. I am moody, irritated, selfish, self seeking and\u2026angry. If you were to ever get to know me, to really know me, you would know that when I don\u2019t have G-d in my life, I am the most angry person you will ever meet. I am prone to violence, I love it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Today, meaning the present, not just today, I seem to have more \u201cgoing on\u201d in my life than I did when I was getting high. It\u2019s one thing after the other. I get presented with an issue, it gets resolved, then I\u2019m presented with another one without a fucking moment to breathe. My children aren\u2019t excluded from this cycle. I fear for the safety of my children when I\u2019m not connected.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I am currently not connected.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I aim to change that, that\u2019s the good news. I refuse to revisit the past in the form of my actions, my thoughts will correct themselves after I take that action toward the Right. Until then, I will battle. That\u2019s a choice. It\u2019s a fucked up choice but it\u2019s a choice. I never professed to be a spiritual giant, I hope I never do.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I\u2019ll never be the same as I was before that night. When I first felt that rush. My vision still isn\u2019t the same. I see things differently now. I view the world in a whole new way. I see hand to hands on the street before anyone I know. I see things in slow motion … <\/p>\n